Below The Headlines - 16
All the Nigerian news that's fit to snark
Welcome to the first edition of this newsletter from our new home here at Substack. Hopefully we don’t have to move somewhere else again.
All our old posts have been moved over here but this week we added a couple more. First a piece about the abandoned metro line in Abuja and then something about the runaway trains that is coups in Africa from a historical perspective. Finally, one more thing on cement where we go into the mind of a cement billionaire.
Inside Nigeria
One of Nigeria’s foremost lawyers, Wole Olanipekun, has fallen for the historical meme that the name ‘Nigeria’ came from Lugard’s ‘mistress’: she went on to become his wife and was an accomplished journalist in her own right and there is clear evidence that the name was in use before her. But Olanipekun says we should change it anyway: “My position is that we should stop mocking ourselves by the retention of the name Nigeria, a hypocritical and demeaning appellation given to us by Lugard’s mistress.” - Vanguard
An underreported and under discussed problem in Nigerian education is the sheer number of children that drop off at various points in the education journey (one of the biggest drop off points is JSS 3). Given how ‘privatised’ so much of Nigerian education is, the economic situation coupled with spikes in school fees is threatening to drop out many more children. Why is there never a discussion around education palliatives? : “As a consequence of the hard times, the proprietor of a private secondary school in Ibadan, Oyo State, who pleaded anonymity, told The Guardian that there would likely be low turnout of students this term” - Guardian
After just over 2 years in the job, the Nigerian High Commissioner to the United Kingdom has been recalled. Tough times for anyone holding what is seen to be an ‘attractive’ job - BusinessDay
Fascinating story on women being bullied by elders and in-laws out of exclusive breastfeeding of their children. The children are then given water instead and get diarrhoea as a consequence: “When I told my mother-in-law about my intentions to exclusively breastfeed my child, I became the subject of jokes. At a point, I was physically assaulted despite my precarious health condition in the aftermath of my delivery.” - Daily Trust
Some Internet fraudsters are not even worth the name anymore. It is now so prevalent that you can surely earn more from an honest living given the paltry sums some of them make these days: “In addition, Yusuf and Haruna are to restitute their victims in the sums of $100 and $200 respectively” - Guardian
A Pastor managed to set a lady on fire while performing ‘special prayers’ for her in Ogun state: “Our correspondent further learnt that the pastor directed the victim to buy Amazing Grace perfume, local eggs and a candle for the special prayer. While praying for her, the pastor was said to have poured the perfume on the lady’s body and lit the candle” - Punch
The price of benniseed has spiked in Taraba with a 100kg bag selling for N100,000. Plenty of farmers have abandoned planting other crops to focus on benniseed. So you know what is going to happen next: “Excited by the fortune they made, more farmers are embarking on planting of benniseed which will be harvested in the next three months.” - Daily Trust
A crazy cow head butted a man to death at an abattoir in Agege, Lagos. But just because a cow is crazy does not mean it cannot still be eaten and so butchers are refusing to cooperate with the police: “An eyewitness who spoke to PUNCH Metro on Thursday said all efforts by the police who stormed the abattoir to arrest the fiery cow proved unsuccessful and that butchers in the area refused to provide the cow for arrest” - Punch
Somehow, food items provided for flood relief last year in Bayelsa remained in a warehouse where they then expired. The expired items were then placed outside the warehouse for disposal from where residents looted them: “These items are unfit for human consumption and a responsible, caring government like ours will not give Bayelsans such items as palliatives” - Vanguard
This is a new one: “The Winners Chapel, Ologuneru church, has warned the congregation about a testifier, Martins Eze, who is spreading fake testimonies around churches.” - Tribune
“It was learned that Esther sent the private video to her boyfriend, trusting it would only be seen by him. However, her boyfriend allegedly recorded it with another phone and shared it with other individuals who subsequently used the video to blackmail and threaten her.” - Tribune
In addition to the story about fake testimonies above, this week we have - Fake soldier - LINK, Fake LASTMA official - LINK, Fake employment letters - LINK, Fake engineer - LINK, Fake website offering palliative funds - LINK, and finally a mob killed a man who tried to rob someone with a fake gun - LINK
Outside Nigeria
A report on how Yevgeny Prigozhin flew around the world avoiding detection in private jets includes this line: “A few days before his death, he used a Soviet-designed Ilyushin Il-76 jet to fly from Central African Republic to Mali, where he posed with a sniper rifle and four magazines strapped to a bulletproof vest, vowing to “make Russia even greater…and Africa even more free.” On the way, he avoided the airspace of Nigeria, whose government has been unsettled by Russia’s support for military governments in West Africa.” - WSJ
Nigerian Police took time out last week to engage in one of their favourite pastimes - arresting gay people: “Edafe said police recovered materials, including hard drugs and gay marriage ceremonial dresses, during the raid.” - VOA
Burna Boy’s new album - his 5th since 2018 - is not getting the international love he expected. New York Mag is scathing in its conclusion: “In what is meant to feel like a victory lap, we’re left with something of the Drake variety: bitterness, paranoia, and a heightened self-consciousness stemming from the success he pushed for and the responsibility as a “chosen leader” he placed on his own shoulders. All because people aren’t in a constant state of genuflection.” - NY Mag
Feature on the unstoppable Tems in Elle Magazine with lots of great photos: “Beyoncé, girl, I’m ready. Any time she wants to pick up the phone, anything she wants to do, if she wants to release another album tomorrow, I’m there. I love everything she does” - ELLE
Tree-logging in a forest in Ogun state, which hosts some endangered elephants, is rising and it looks like a classic collective action problem. Loggers pay the government to replant trees, government takes the money and does not replant. Soon, there will be no more trees for loggers and no more revenues for government: “Sawmillers get annual permits from the government to cut down trees until their designated area is completely deforested. Then they can apply for a new section. They say the permit fee of 2 million naira ($2,645) is intended to cover the government’s costs to replace trees but that this rarely occurs” - Associated Press
“The five most common non-EU passports for UK-born dual citizens showed a wider variety of average ages, with UK-Australian having a median age of 39, UK-US 21, UK-Nigerian 19, UK-Canadian 36, and UK-New Zealand 28” - Guardian
The saga of Michael Udebuluzor getting a Hong Kong passport allowing him to play for the national football team appears to be over. He had to relinquish his Nigerian passport and should now play for them in October: “However, the Post has been told of speedy developments in the final stages of Udebuluzor’s naturalisation. According to a source close to the process, documentation confirming the player has relinquished his Nigerian citizenship is on its way to the Hong Kong authorities” - South China Morning Post
XE Jet, a company that runs charter jet services in Nigeria, has had its licence suspended for using what appears to be fake insurance documents: “The National Insurance Commission (NAICOM) had flagged concerns about the authenticity of documents that "did not emanate from Consolidated Hallmark Insurance as presented to the authority” - CH Aviation
Kenyans seems to have fallen for fake photos showing opposition leader and former Prime Minister, Raila Odinga, being crowned as a ‘King’ in Nigeria. Strong contender for the funniest story of the year: “Additionally, the doctored picture substituted Bokassa's head with that of Raila” - Kenyans
Tolu and Francis (a Ghanaian) got married in Canada last year. The photos are nice - Toronto Life
See you next week!